Feb 27, 2012

Anxious Anxiety

Normally, I am not one to stress or freak out.  Even when the nurses thought Mark was having a heart attack, I kept telling him it was probably just gas.  "Are you sure it's not gas? It could be gas.  Have you thought about it possibly being gas?"  Then when he started getting really nauseated and pale after his angiogram, "You're probably just dehydrated."  Violently vomiting in the background, "Yeah, I think you're dehydrated."  I tend to think most things aren't as big as what people make them out to be and down play them a lot.  When Liam was born and was constantly vomiting most of what he would eat, Mark was convinced it wasn't normal and said it should get checked out.  I didn't agree, so Mark took him in himself.  After the doctor's visit I was convinced.  I should probably worry more than I do, but that's why I have Mark, right?
It's not that I think Mark is going to die.  I realize that is a serious and real possibility, but this is the one of the first times that I feel genuine worry.  I don't like people trying to tell me how I should feel, so when I tell them what's going on, many of them down play it.  I will have someone say, "Yeah, my grandpa had a valve replacement.  It's not that big of a deal.  He ended up being just fine."
I say, "Well, there is a chance of death.  They stop the heart to work on it."
"I think you're worrying too much."
Here's what goes on in my head, "I am worrying too much?  They are opening up my husband's chest and stopping his heart.  I do believe I can worry a bit.  If it was your spouse instead of your grandpa or really old dad, would you not worry?  Would you not consider the chance that your young children might not have a father if something went wrong? "  I may sound mean and I know they are trying to keep me from worrying, but I am going to worry.  Until he is completely healed I will have some sort of worry.  He is my husband, the father of my 5 young kids and I love him.  If a really old man has this surgery and he dies, we would say that it was too bad. At least he lived a long life.  It would be slightly(sense some sarcasm?) more tragic for my husband to die at his young age and for me to be a widow at the age of 28 with 5 children aged 7 and under.
This surgery is a big deal, it's a big deal with an old man, it's a big deal with a young man.  It's open-heart surgery, it's a big deal.
My eye keeps twitching because I am not getting enough sleep.  I am stressing about my life, in general.  I am stressing about the kids, how will they handle this, how will they handle not being with their parents for long periods of time.  I worry about the financial aspect of the whole thing.  While Mark is out of work we will be getting about $1200 less a month.  I will be driving the car a lot more, how will I pay for gas?  I don't have my family here, I don't want to go through it without my family's support.  I never see my husband anyway, I am going to miss him while he is in the hospital.  Why couldn't I have finished my book long ago so that maybe I could have a little extra money right now?  Should I start taking jewelry orders to make some extra money?  I don't have time for that.  How am I going to have time, for anything?  I've never taken a Xanax, but it's sounding pretty nice right now.
I know I will have help.  I know I have a wonderful ward with amazing people who care so much.  I know it will all be okay, but I still stress I still worry.  I wish this was something I could have prepared for.  How do you prepare for a life-changing event like this?  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now.  I have felt it a lot in my life(those who really know me personally understand this), it's just this time the world feels like it gained like 50 pounds.  I know I have been truly blessed in so many ways in my life, I know I need to just rely on my Heavenly Father.  Sometimes that's hard to do.  I don't want to feel like I've been punished for something, but I feel that way at times.  I want to ask why.  I know I am no one special.  I know that everyone has their trials and we are all equipped individually to face the particular trials that the Lord feels we can handle.  I just wonder why he thinks I'm so dang strong.  Some people totally freak out about their car needing to be fixed and I think, "Wow, I just had two miscarriages in a row, was diagnosed with pancreatitis, put in $900 to fix a car and now my husband needs open-heart surgery.  You're stressed?"  I know it's unfair to that person for me to think that way.  If they are crying and freaking out over their car, then they certainly can't handle what I have on my plate and so they will just have the car to deal with right now.  I need to be okay with this.
Speaking of pancreatitis, I had an "attack" or "episode" or whatever you want to call it the other night.  It's not the worst pain I've had with this, but it was pretty awful.  Feels like a flaming hot poker to the gut sometimes.  I kind of wish there was a surgery to fix this problem.
I had someone tell me that I probably had my miscarriages because the Lord knew that Mark was going to have open-heart surgery.  Really?  Who says that?  People who don't think before they speak kind of people.  I don't think people should ever bring up a miscarriage in such a way.  I think I was supposed to have those miscarriages for probably reasons I don't know yet.  I know it was a good way to finally get me to the doctor and get some of my other issues diagnosed and taken care of.  I think if I wasn't supposed to be pregnant when Mark had his surgery, I just wouldn't have gotten pregnant.  I think the Lord has that kind of power.  I know he does.
We are meeting with the surgeon earlier than planned.  We are meeting with him tomorrow at 10am instead of Wed. at 1pm.  I am anxious to get this thing scheduled.  I kind of want to fast forward a few months, I am not ready for all of this.  Are we ever ready for trials?  No.  We can never prepare for these things completely.  We just need to give this to the Lord and trust in him.  I am not going to mope and cry today.  I am going to pull up my big girl panties and face this head on.


blondeviolin said...

I wish I could tell you that it's no big deal and everything will be okay. Instead, I will say that I am praying for Mark, for you, for the medical staff, for your children and their caretakers. Hopefully, when you need it most, you will feel enveloped by our Savior's perfect love and understanding.

Hannah {Bonne Nouvelle} said...

Have you read my post? haha. I am just plain busy....you are just plain stressed. I'm okay with busyness but when stress gets in the way. Eek. But I am a "insert foot in mouth" type of person, you know that. I'm trying to work on it. Please let me know how I can help. I remember I brought you a meal exactly 2 years ago. I can do that again! Because you live in SF it's a littler harder to take care of your kids but I can cook and deliver! I wish you lived closer to your mom :( Let me know how I can help! Do you have appts here in P-town? Do you want to drop your kids off here while you go the doc?? My girls would love that.

Christy said...

You have every right to be anxious and worried, and often times people can be quite insensitive when trying to be helpful and understanding. I'm sorry; It sucks! You know I think you are an incredible and amazingly strong person, and I hope you will feel the spiritual arms of the many people who are praying for you and your family each day! I'm here anytime you need me!