I'm Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

I wasn't going to post about this for a while, but since it is on my mind CONSTANTLY and I keep finding myself retreating to the computer, I figured that I might as well do it.
When Mark was about 19 he was in the Marines in boot camp.  He got strep and I guess it got to his heart.  This caused a heart murmur, aka Mitral Valve Prolapse(MVP) in this case.  That is when the valve on the left chamber doesn't close all the way, so the blood starts to swish back and forth.  This causes the chambers to swell and stretch, eventually leading to heart failure, if left untreated.  It hasn't been all that big of a deal and doctors have told him that he wouldn't need a valve replacement for a really long time.  He would regularly get it checked, it never seemed like that big of a deal.
Towards the end of 2011 Mark started getting weird heart palpitations.   When the new year started Mark went into the doctor for a regular physical.  The doctor wanted some heart tests to be run on Mark to check if everything was okay.  Mark had one test done and that doctor wanted another one done and for another doctor to look at it, he thought the MVP was looking worse than before.  That doctor then ran some tests and decided it was significantly worse than before and it was worsening rapidly.
Mark has been scheduled for another procedure(this is scheduled for next Tues. Feb. 21st) where they stick an ultrasound type of camera down his throat to get a better look at the valve.  This is so that they can determine whether he will have a valve repair or valve replacement.  The doctor told him that he will most certainly be having open heart surgery.
Upon hearing this I was pretty shocked.  I didn't know what to say or think.  My own heart started racing.
To do the surgery Mark's heart will be stopped and a heart and lung bypass machine will do the work.  Then once the surgery is completed the blood flow will be brought back into the heart and an electrical shock will restart the heart.  He will be in ICU under sedation for a few days, then eventually he will be moved out of there and sometime after that he will come home.
We are both realizing that although we are hopeful, he could die.  This is open-heart surgery, after all.  As much as I want to just sit back and relax and say that everything will work out, he and I both realize that we need to prepare for the possibilities.  He worked out a budget for me if I were to receive life insurance and a plan.  We talked about if I would get remarried.  He is having a will written up.  I know that after the experiences of my mom, my sister in law and so many others that these things happen and it's better to be prepared for the worst but to hope and pray for the best.  Mark also met with our bishop to let him know what was going on and to let him know that we may need some assistance from the church while he isn't working.
I am not going to say he is going to die.  I don't know what will happen, but I imagine that now matter the outcome the Lord will take care of us.  I am honestly really scared.  I feel at peace for the most part, but there is also this constant fear of the unknown.  I never want to lose my husband.  I will just miss him while he is in the hospital.  I can't imagine him really being gone.  I would just like to ask all of you who read this to please pray for him and for our family.  These things are a big deal and we could really use all the extra prayer and fasting that any of you could offer.  Thank you.
PS-Because my husband is morbid, he would like me to document this whole thing with pictures.  So, whatever I can photograph, that's what he wants me to do.  Don't worry, you will get to be on this journey with us through blog!  Exciting, right?!!

Frenulum

More commonly known as the webby thingy between your gums and lip.  I bet most of you have never heard this word.  I hadn't either until the second week of December.  It was a cold chilly December afternoon and I was going through my first miscarriage.  We had all been sick with the stomach flu from H*** and were trying to recover.  I was busily trying to plow through many backed up jewelry orders that I had put off due to said stomach flu.  I was in the living room and the kids were in the family room where the wee lad Alastair was crawling around happily messing with stuff.  All of the sudden the wee lad starts crying. I am never one to panic over a cry, it sounded like he got hurt, but I didn't think it was bad.  Duncan brought my babe over to me and he had a good amount of blood oozing from his mouth.  I grabbed him and put a wipe in his mouth to get some of the blood so that I could see what was up.  I had assumed he split his lip little or something like that.  I held tissues and wipes to his mouth until the bleeding stopped.  Then I decided to take a look.  This is what I saw:  

Seriously creepy-looking, right?  Now I kind of panicked.  Not so much that I was worried about my son's well-being, but that I now had to take him to the urgent care or something and that entailed me having to shower, lug all five kids with me or find a babysitter.  I knew this was not life-threatening, but rather a nuisance that I didn't need in a week that was already rougher than most I had experienced in the past.
I called my fabulous friend, Kari, who agreed to take my older four off my hands while I ran off to take care of the wee lad.  Such a relief to not have to take all five.  If any of you have this many children or close to it, you know that a trip like this with no prep is not easy with 5.
I ran off to the Urgent Care by my house.  Now, we didn't have insurance last year(2011).  It was a way to help us save money and pay off our medical bills(I strongly warn against this, all things medically bad will happen).  I get to the urgent care, my baby is in his pjs at 4:30 in the afternoon(this will make them sympathize with me more, right?  Wrong!).  I tell them whats going on.  The lady at the front desk asks for my insurance and tell her I don't have any.  She said, "We would like it if you could pay $75 for this visit. If he need stitches, those alone will cost you about $400." This is when my jaw drops.
I say, "Could you bill me?  I don't have the money for that right now."
"Maybe we can work something out here," she smiles(a little fake-like).  She then gets on the phone with the Dr. who would take a look at the baby.  All I wanted was to have them take a look and tell me if something really needed to be done.  She gets off the phone, "He won't see you unless you pay the $75 today, now."
"Are you sure?  I really don't have that much on me right now, but I will next week.  Could I just pay next week?"  I am a little bit on the verge of tears.  She was being a little heartless and mean in her tone.  Not to mention she did not have the sweetest demeanor once she found out I didn't have insurance.
Then she very coldly said, "No, he cannot see him unless you pay the $75 today. Now."
"Well, I guess I will just go to my regular doctor, if she's still open."
"That's probably a good idea ma'am."  I hate being called "ma'am," especially in a situation like this.  You know it's the only time they say it and it's never in a nice way.
I turned and left.  I just started crying and sped off to get to my doctor before they closed.
By the time I got there is was 5pm and I saw that they changed their hours recently, they were now open until 9pm!  I wouldn't get to see my usual doctor, but I knew most of the ones there, so I didn't care at this point. I arrived there and it was almost like coming home.  I got to see the nice familiar faces I was used to and the polite responses I deserved.  I got to see the doctor right away.  This was when I decided to have my blood tested for my miscarriage, you know, kill two birds with one stone kind of thing.

That, my friends, is a 9mo. onesie on that little dude.  He was 14mos. here.  He weighed in at a whopping 20lbs.  My two other boys were over 25lbs. at this age.
Back to my story.  So the doctor(a very nice woman whom I had never met before) took a look at him.  "Oh, looks like he's torn his frenulum."
"His what?"
"Frenulum, the webbing here," she says pointing at the fighting baby.  "Now, it looks pretty bad and I could suture it here, except, I'm guessing he wouldn't like that too much so he would have to be put under.  That is something I can't do here.  I would suggest you take him to the ER."
"Okay." Great!  Another trip in the car to another waiting room with another bill.
"I won't charge you for this visit.  I will just have them wipe it from the records.  It's not really fair of me to charge you when I can't do anything for you."  Is she really a doctor?  I think I love her!  I give Mark a call from the doctor's phone (since I don't own a cell anymore) and tell him to meet me at the ER.
I get to the ER and tell them about the "frenulum" situation.  They get us in right away.  There was almost no one in the ER.  I say if you are going to have an emergency, have it on a Tuesday.  We wait in the exam room for the doctor.

The doctor comes in and takes a look.   "Well," he says, "I could call the plastic surgeon and tell him to come and suture this frenulum, but he would probably laugh at me and not come.  If he did, which he probably won't, it would cost you a fortune for something that wouldn't be necessary."
"Okay."
"It will probably just heal up on it's own in the next week or two and probably won't even get infected.  Just don't have him eat or drink anything that would cause it to sting or burn, like orange juice."
"Wow.  Really?  Sounds good."  Really I'm kind of ticked because I went to three different places when I could have just stayed home.  This is the last time I play "good mom."
"If it was my choice, I wouldn't even charge you for this visit because I'm not doing anything for you.  But by law I have to.  So, that's the downside to this whole thing.  This upside is you won't have to pay for more than this visit."  Why doesn't rich man doctor just pay for it himself!  Ugh!  Oh well.
We head on home and pick up the kids.  It is now after 7:30pm.
The said "frenulum" did heal just fine and looks pretty normal.  My baby is alive and healthy and I am grateful for that.

A New Post

*update at the bottom
I wasn't sure what to title this post.  I haven't posted in quite a while.  I have wanted to, but I don't always have the time or patience.  A lot of time has passed and I am sure a lot of things have happened.  I may update the blog for myself, but have the dates be the dates the events actually took place.  I will let you all know if I do that, if you're really interested.
In December Mark and I got a bit of a surprise, I found out that I was pregnant.  We weren't exactly expecting it, but we were so excited.  I felt no worry, even though this meant we would no longer be able to fit our whole family into our van anymore.  I felt so at peace.  I could suddenly eat eggs again as well and dairy products without any pain or sickness as I had been dealing with for the past year.  I decided to tell some close friends and a few family members right away.  I had never miscarried in the past, but I always waited before.  I just decided that this one would be no different.  I was very wrong.  We all came down with the stomach flu.  It was brutal.  Mark had to work that weekend and so I was by myself.  I started bleeding.  I had always bled with my pregnancies, but never so much.  I knew what was happening.  I was having a miscarriage.  I was distraught.  I couldn't believe this was happening, but I knew it to be true.  I always thought I knew how I would feel or how upset I would be if I ever miscarried.  I was wrong.  There was such a huge feeling of loss, even though I had never met this child.  I couldn't cry hard enough.
As I began to get over the stomach flu and Alastair tore his frenulum(webbing between your lip and your gums, more on that another day) I decided to get my blood tested to make sure I was really miscarrying.  As much as I didn't want it to believe it was happening I knew it was and it was confirmed.  I was eventually given the go ahead to start trying again if I wanted.
January came and I hadn't had a period yet.  It had been about 5 1/2 weeks since my miscarriage.  I had a feeling I might be pregnant again, so I took a test.  The test was positive.  I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I was excited anyway.  I didn't really tell anyone this time except for a friend or two.  Another week passed and I was cleaning my bathroom, the deep down super cleaning(shower included).  When I was done I went to take a shower.  I was bleeding again.  I knew I was miscarrying again.  I spent the entirety of my shower sobbing quietly to myself.  I was devastated.  I didn't understand why I felt so strongly that we were supposed to have more children when this was happening again.  I was so worried that this was the end of having children.  I poured my heart out to the Lord and He brought me so much comfort.  I knew that this particular spirit would come, but not at this time.  I needed this trial.  I needed it to help me become the person I need to be to return to Him.
I went back to the Dr. and she decided to test my blood for low progesterone levels(the hormone needed to maintain a pregnancy), my thyroid(I've had some recent rapid weight gain and fatigue) and other things that I wanted her to check out.  She went to consult with my regular Dr. and then came back.  She mentioned that having Factor V Leiden(a clotting disorder) is a cause for miscarriage.  I told her I had that.  Then she asked me if I was Rh Negative(negative blood type), I told her I was.  She told me those are both possible causes for miscarriage.  She also said that I was supposed to get a Rhogam shot(for the Rh) after my first miscarriage and she was betting that was why the second one happened(Rh negative-negative blood types in pregnancy cause the body to make anti-bodies to kill off a positive blood type baby if I don't get a rhogam shot at 28 wk and after having babies).
Today I got my results back from my blood tests.  I have a thyroid problem, my progesterone levels are low and there may be something amiss with my gall bladder(to be tested again tomorrow).  It sounds weird, but I have such a feeling of relief after hearing all this.  My Dr. said that it's actually amazing that I had 5 healthy pregnancies in a row.  I had no idea.  The best thing about all this is that these are all things that can be treated and taken care of!  They said that they will get me all fixed up so that we can start trying again.
I know you all think I am nuts for wanting 6 kids(or more, remember I have an addiction), but I love being a mom.  I am not a perfect mom, I am not super mom and I am far from amazing, but I have 5 healthy happy kids(which are pretty much 5 miracles).
*Update: The issue was not with my gall bladder as the nurse had informed me, but rather with my pancreas.  I have been diagnosed with pancreatitis, awesome fun that is.  They have also prescribed me a medication to treat my thyroid issue.

The Scariest Day in My Life as a Mother

About a week and a half ago(July 2nd) we were preparing to go to Colorado.  I was talking to the kids about them each packing a little backpack with a few toys to take on the trip.  They were so excited(we haven't been to Colorado as a family since my dad's funeral) that they got their backpacks ready right then.  Rozzy put hers on and was ready to head out to the car.  "Rozz, you silly!  We're not going until tomorrow.  Are you just taking your backpack outside with you?"
"Yeah, I am," she says.
"Okay.  But just remember, we're leaving tomorrow not today.  Okay?"
"Otay, Mommy," she responds.  I assumed she understood what I was talking about.  Then all of the kids asked if they could go outside to play.  I told them they could and they all headed out the door, Rozzy following behind.
I was supposed to be doing laundry and packing, but I got side tracked by the computer, so I stayed downstairs for the next half hour or so.  A little while later the kids came in from playing outside, everyone but Rozzy.
"You guys?  Where's Rozz?" I said.
"I don't know.  She wasn't outside with us," Duncan says.
I normally don't freak out about these things.  Rozzy often wanders upstairs by herself without anyone noticing and we find her asleep in some bed or playing in the playroom.  "Gwenie go take a look upstairs for Rozzy."
"Okay, I will," she says.
She returns about a minute or two later, "She's not up there mommy."
"Boys, will you go and check all of the beds?"
"Yeah."
I started feeling this urgency.  I had a strong feeling I needed to check outside.  "You guys do that, I'm going to check outside."
I walked outside and called her name.  Then I heard something very faint.  I really don't know how I heard it. It sounded like a quiet whimper.  Sheer panic swept over me.  It was 90+ degrees out and she was in the car.
I tried opening her door but it was locked.  More panic.  We always keep our doors locked, especially in the summer.  Then I noticed that the front passenger side was unlocked.  That's how she got in and was able to close the door.  I knew she couldn't close the sliding car door on her own.
I open the door and unlock hers.  Then I open her door.  She seems half conscious.  She is bright red from head to toe. She is sopping wet with sweat and whimpering.  I immediately unbuckle her(she had buckled herself in, that's why she couldn't get out) and grab her and hold her and just cry into her hair.  "Oh my gosh Rozzy!  Oh my gosh!  I am so sorry!" I say as I cry.  I run her inside.
"My packpack," she says weakly.
"Gwenie grab her things, please."
I sit down with her and brush her hair from her face.  "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
I hug her again, still crying.  I decide to lay her on the couch.  "Duncan, can you get a washcloth wet with cold water and bring it down, please?"
"Yeah," he says.  He runs to get it as I fill up a sippy with ice water.  Duncan comes back down and hands me the washcloth.  I place it on her forehead and hand her the sippy.  Aly then starts to cry so I pick him up.  As I pick him up a voice says to me, "GET KARL."(he is our next door neighbor and happens to be an EMT).  I am not one to argue with the Lord giving me a message.
"Kids, run and see if Karl is home."  Realizing that they might not get the message to Karl as clearly as I would, I leave Rozz and run out with the baby to talk to Ashley and Karl.
Gwenie says, "Rozzy got hurt."
Ashley leans down, "She got hurt?  What happened?"
I start shaking as I say, "Is Karl home?"  I see Karl come to the door.
"What's going on?" he says as he walks over to me.
I feel tears welling up again.  "She locked herself in the car for like a half an hour or more.  She's awake.  She said she was okay.  I gave her some ice water and stuff.  I wasn't sure what to do."
We're in the house.  He has Ashley get his bag for him.  He starts talking to her and checking on her.  He gets some ice packs and quickly puts them on her.  I decide to call Mark to see if he can come home from the mortuary.  I am crying again, "Mark, Rozzy locked herself in the car."
"Is she okay?" he says.
"I think so.  I thought she was playing with the kids.  I didn't even know the car was unlocked.  Karl is here.  Can you come home?"
"It's not your fault.  You couldn't have known.  It was just an accident.  I'm driving back from a service so I have to drop the car off at the mortuary and then I can come straight home."
"We should probably get her checked out," Karl says to me.
"Mark, Karl says we need to get her checked out.  So we're just going to take her now.  I'll talk to you later. I'm sorry."
"Okay.  I'll be there as soon as I can.  I love you."
"Love you.  Bye."
I run upstairs to get changed really quick.  As I am pulling my shirt on I hear Karl from downstairs, "Danielle! We need to go NOW!!"
I yank my shirt down, run downstairs, throw some shoes on and grab my purse and keys.  Karl is already out there with her.  We decide to take my car since I have the car seat.  Ashley agrees to stay with the kids.  I drive to the Urgent Care near our house.  On the way Karl sits backwards trying to keep Rozzy alert and awake.  I can't believe this is all happening.  It doesn't even seem real.  Karl keeps talking to Rozz, asking her questions.  She finally starts talking.
We get to the Urgent Care.  Karl carries Rozz in.  He explains what's going on with her to the man at the front desk.  I don't understand all the EMT lingo.  The he says that she was only responding to painful stimuli.  My heart drops.  That's why he shouted up the stairs, I thought to myself.  The man at the front desk goes to find out if they can take her or if she is too critical and we should just go to the ER.  He comes back a minute or two later.  "Yeah, you're going to have to take her to the ER."
Back into the car.  I decide to have Karl drive since I haven't been to the Payson ER since a month into my marriage at 2 am.  Rozzy still seems out of it.  Karl has me keep her awake.
We get to the ER and explain the situation again.  They have Karl take her back while I finish the paper work.   All of the nurses keep talking about how cute Rosaline is.  The nurses are so kind and tell me their scary parenting stories to comfort me.
I get to go back to see Rozz.  She seems to be doing well, but she looks exhausted and sleepy.  They are checking her blood pressure and her temperature.  They explain to me that she is looking good.  They want to hydrate her and watch her to be sure.  A moment later Mark walks in with tears in his eyes.  He gives me a hug and cries on my shoulder.
"I'm going to head to the waiting room," Karl says.
"Okay, thank you so much!" I tell him.
"Yeah, thanks so much man," Mark says and gives Karl a hug.
"No problem you guys.  I'm glad I could help."
Karl leaves and Mark and I look at Rozz and talk to her.  We talk about what happened.  How scared we both were.  How blessed we are that Karl was home and that I got her out of the car when I did.  Rozzy is eating popsicle after popsicle.  Even on the verge of death that girl wouldn't turn down an offering of food.  She starts perking up and talking to us finally.  We tell her how stinky her feet are and wipe them down with alcohol swabs.  She starts to get all giggly and cute.  After a while they tell us we can go home but to bring her back if she doesn't have a wet diaper by morning.
What a relief!  We take her home and she is inside for a few minutes before she goes outback to play.  Mark tells her that she needs to play inside today.  What a relief to know that she is alright.
I feel so grateful for the promptings I received that day.  I feel grateful for the amazing neighbors I have.  I feel grateful that I got sidetracked by the computer so I wasn't upstairs packing, not knowing she was not with the kids.  I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with a sweet little girl who makes me laugh daily and smothers me with love nearly every moment of the day.

I have heard so many stories of a child being left or stuck in a car in the Summer and I have only heard a couple with happy endings.  This is one of those humbling experiences as a parent when you have to put your faith in the Lord.  I thank Him for allowing me my happy ending.

A Post Dedicated to All of the Braless Women Out There

I know that there have always been women out there who don't wear bras.  You've seen them and I've seen them.  Sometimes we don't notice, but most of the time we do.  Admit it, you've seen them.  You know who you are if you are going without.  And here's a new flash: We know you are going without too.  

Have you noticed that when you are out and about that you get a lot of stares, but people rarely approach you?  Is it hard to make friends at church?  Or anywhere else?  Think about it.  Do you bother to put a bra on to go to the store? the park? work? church?  the bank?  You wave to me and smile and I feel uncomfortable looking at you and waving back.  I wouldn't mind being your friend if you would put on a bra to go out in public.  I know it feels binding or uncomfortable at times.  I promise you can release the girls once you are in the privacy of your own home.  You may think it's not noticeable, but it is.  It's REALLY noticeable.  Yeah, I know it makes nursing a little easier, but it's awkward for the rest of us.  Doesn't it feel weird being so "free" in public?  Don't you feel that it's causing things to go a little south a little sooner?  You make think they need to breathe, but they don't have lungs.  They don't need to breathe.  I need to breathe.  I hold my breath when you come near to keep me from making a weird face at you.  At first I thought you just forgot to wear a bra to church or it was still wet from when you washed it so you couldn't wear it.  Then I saw you again.  Braless.  At church.  I thought maybe you just didn't have time to put one one.  Then I saw you at the park.  Braless.  Again.  I see you walk down the street, like nothing's wrong.  Something is wrong.  You don't have a bra on.  Please, for our sake and your own.  PUT ON A BRA.  As a wise woman once said, "It looks like two babies fighting under a blanket."

a real post about real life

I have been reading a lot of my older blog posts from when I first started blogging.  Dang I was entertaining!!  Oh come on, you know I was.  I did notice that I have gotten more impersonal and less funny over time.  I would like to remedy that.  Not that when we write blogs we should be really personal, but I think I gave more of a sense of who I am in my older posts.
Today is my birthday.  It is the wee hours of the morning and I am staying up too late.  I can't believe that I am turning 28 in a couple of hours.  I think I am going to look in the mirror and watch myself age.  I can't believe I am 28 with 5 kids!  My mom didn't even do that.  I think she had like 3 at my age.
This summer I have been spending so much time with my kids.  Just about every morning I load the 3 youngest into the double stroller(I promise this totally works safely, I will post a picture later) and the older two ride their bikes and we walk/ride to the park a little over a mile from our home.  It is a great path that goes along the Spanish Fork river.  It smells really bad, but it reminds me of my dearly missed Colorado with all the trees everywhere.  I let them play for a while and eat snacks, then we make the trek back home in time for lunch.  I have some wicked tan lines that I will have to take pictures of to show you all.  I will look so awesome in a swimsuit!  Did I mention that I walk wearing capris(only for this walking situation, this is not the type of attire I go out shopping in, except once) and running shoes?  Well, I do.  So my knees are white and my feet are white but my calves and shins are totally tan.  Cute right?
The first week we went I made sure we went everyday.  The forecast was supposed to be pretty good.  One day we went and there was only supposed to be a 20% chance of precipitation, which means pretty much no rain.  WRONG!!  Apparently that is secret weatherman lingo for massive thunderstorm and hail with your poor children in summer clothes shivering away.  Yeah, it totally started raining hard core on our way home!  Duncan was the first one to start whining and crying.  He's the oldest, isn't he supposed to be all tough and strong for the other kids?  Liam acted like it was a fun adventure(which was totally where I was trying to go with it).  I told the kids we have to go as fast as we could and that we couldn't shelter ourselves under the trees with the lighting.  Then it started hailing.  SERIOUSLY.  I wish I was joking, but I'm not.  I knew the hail was coming, being a Colorado girl and all(summer rain always came with hail) so I told the kids to get off of their bikes ASAP and get under a tree with me.  We huddled together and I had the boys stick their heads under the shades of the stroller and I hovered over them.  I was totally pelted with awesome hail stones, but it was for a good cause.  At that point Duncan was still crying and whining, Rozzy was whining and crying(being in the front of the stroller with me running in the rain is not fun), Liam no longer thought this was an adventure and was now crying and shivering and Aly was soaked and screaming his little baby head off.
I suggested we all stop and say a prayer together and ask that the rain will stop and that we would be able to get home quickly and safely.  Within about 3 minutes the rain completely stopped and the clouds started moving away revealing the glorious sun!  The kids were so happy and said that Heavenly Father and Jesus helped us.  Which they TOTALLY did!!  I think kids prayers work better than adult ones because they have such strong faith and belief.  We were so happy and thankful for the sun as we approached the last leg of our journey home.
I was concerned about my friend who left the park early and went home a different way because she was pregnant, had a dog with her, a broken bike, a double stroller with only one shade and two young kids.  I just kept thinking about her on my way home.  We were getting closer to home when I hear an SUV on the path behind us and then honking.  My kids shout, "It's Howie!"  Howie is the son of my friend who was at the park with us.  Kristen(Howie's mom) had called her husband to pick them up and then came to find us and give us a ride home!!  It was so sweet of her.  We were completely soaked and shivering so she was a welcomed sight.  Duncan said, "She is the BEST neighbor EVER!!"  I agree!  It was totally awesome of her.  I hope you all read this far and I hope you like my story!!