I am not totally feeling sorry for myself and wanting people to start pitying me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to think that I need you to all to pitch in because I went and had 4 kids 4 and under. But I must say, I am burned out!!! I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. My husband gets a day off every 14 days, which happens to be Sunday(a very busy day).
I feel so tense and stressed inside, but can't seem to let it out ever. I feel like I am a time bomb ready to go off at any moment sometimes. I can't seem to stay on top of my house, no matter how long, hard or often I work on it. I am trying to get Liam to potty train, trying to keep Gwenie from ODing, trying to take care of little Rozz Pozz, and let Duncan know that he still exists to me. I tried to talk to my Dr. about my how stressed out I feel at times to see if she could offer anything, advice or a muscle relaxant, Xanax, a bowl of ice cream, ear plugs, a maid, something. But, she kind of blew me off. I understand she is busy, but come on!
So this morning my house is a mess, only 3 out of 4 kids are dressed, I am in my pjs(and braless). I go to take off my clothes to get into the shower and I see my bishop walking up to my front door! I grab my bra and throw it on and try to make myself remotely presentable.
I open the door and he wants to chat for a bit. Of course Liam(the undressed one) is the child to come downstairs. I thought he just wanted to tell me something at the front door, so I was like, "go ahead." Then he starts to step into my house. Not the clean house I had the other day, but the messy one I had right then. I felt so humiliated, so embarassed. I know that a lot of people in my ward look at me as one of those less actives. I am shy and easily intimidated. I have never been inactive or less active. I have always had a testimony. I am never given callings. I just became a visiting teacher for the first time in three years just last month. Anyway...so, he is asking me how I am doing, like he cares, then just tried to move on once I told him how things were going. Argh! Don't get me wrong, I think he is a good man and all but...
Why do people ask "how are things going?" when they don't even really want to know?! I get so tired of that. I have more going on in my life than I would like to post on a blog. I don't like to put my problems on people. I don't like to burden others with things. Many people say that they are there for you, but when it comes down to it they are really just saying it and that's all. They don't really want you to take them up on their offer of watching your kids for a day or talking to you on the phone. They ask you how you are doing but don't stick around long enough to hear your answer. I get tired of that. Don't be liars people, say what you mean, not what you think someone wants to hear!
I must say that I am incredibly grateful to those of you who have always been there. Who listen to me and don't judge me or my situation. For those of you who don't act like I am an idiot for having 4 kids so close together. I love having children, I even love that they are close together(they are cute little buddies). I am grateful for my children and I wouldn't change a thing about when I had them or anything like that. I just...need a vacay!!!!! (exhale)
Thanks for reading. I feel a little bit better. I just need to let out a good scream! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
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