Feb 24, 2009

That's Right People, A Rant...

I am not totally feeling sorry for myself and wanting people to start pitying me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to think that I need you to all to pitch in because I went and had 4 kids 4 and under. But I must say, I am burned out!!! I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. My husband gets a day off every 14 days, which happens to be Sunday(a very busy day).
I feel so tense and stressed inside, but can't seem to let it out ever. I feel like I am a time bomb ready to go off at any moment sometimes. I can't seem to stay on top of my house, no matter how long, hard or often I work on it. I am trying to get Liam to potty train, trying to keep Gwenie from ODing, trying to take care of little Rozz Pozz, and let Duncan know that he still exists to me. I tried to talk to my Dr. about my how stressed out I feel at times to see if she could offer anything, advice or a muscle relaxant, Xanax, a bowl of ice cream, ear plugs, a maid, something. But, she kind of blew me off. I understand she is busy, but come on!
So this morning my house is a mess, only 3 out of 4 kids are dressed, I am in my pjs(and braless). I go to take off my clothes to get into the shower and I see my bishop walking up to my front door! I grab my bra and throw it on and try to make myself remotely presentable.
I open the door and he wants to chat for a bit. Of course Liam(the undressed one) is the child to come downstairs. I thought he just wanted to tell me something at the front door, so I was like, "go ahead." Then he starts to step into my house. Not the clean house I had the other day, but the messy one I had right then. I felt so humiliated, so embarassed. I know that a lot of people in my ward look at me as one of those less actives. I am shy and easily intimidated. I have never been inactive or less active. I have always had a testimony. I am never given callings. I just became a visiting teacher for the first time in three years just last month. Anyway...so, he is asking me how I am doing, like he cares, then just tried to move on once I told him how things were going. Argh! Don't get me wrong, I think he is a good man and all but...
Why do people ask "how are things going?" when they don't even really want to know?! I get so tired of that. I have more going on in my life than I would like to post on a blog. I don't like to put my problems on people. I don't like to burden others with things. Many people say that they are there for you, but when it comes down to it they are really just saying it and that's all. They don't really want you to take them up on their offer of watching your kids for a day or talking to you on the phone. They ask you how you are doing but don't stick around long enough to hear your answer. I get tired of that. Don't be liars people, say what you mean, not what you think someone wants to hear!
I must say that I am incredibly grateful to those of you who have always been there. Who listen to me and don't judge me or my situation. For those of you who don't act like I am an idiot for having 4 kids so close together. I love having children, I even love that they are close together(they are cute little buddies). I am grateful for my children and I wouldn't change a thing about when I had them or anything like that. I just...need a vacay!!!!! (exhale)
Thanks for reading. I feel a little bit better. I just need to let out a good scream! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

24 comments:

Meg said...

I think its funny how you delete my comment, it is true you are a whiner. suck it up so of us arent even married and you just cry about it. waah

Danielle Smith said...

Here is Meg's initial comment: You are basically complaining about how your life sucks, your kids are rotten and you need a break, but then say you don't want people to comment on how your kids are too close together and that your life sucks? I think you do want sympathy and are just lying about it."

The Halls said...

I think you're a super woman for having 4 under 4, I can barely handle 1 under 2. :)

Is there anybody who actually would take your kids for a couple hours so you can relax? Can you scrounge up some money to hire a babysitter for an afternoon? Even if you can only find a few minutes for yourself, DO IT. It's hard not to get burnt out, especially if Mark isn't able to relieve you.

I know what you mean about people who ask how you're doing but only ask to ask, not to really know. It's frustrating!!

Also, you shouldn't worry about sharing your burdens with others. It gives them a chance to do something good, and helps you too! There's definitely a line between whining excessively and venting. Let yourself vent, lest you go crazy!

Meg said...

I think that your friend doesnt know you if they thing you are superwoman. come on for reals her kids destory her life and stress her out, I bet she is already planning on #5. Sounds like nadyia suleman is in our midst.

Itty_Bitty_Wittes said...

I think that anyone who is going to comment mean things on your blog is dealing with their own personal issues, perhaps being unmarried is one of them? She doesn't know what it is like to have 6 people in a town home and to have kids close in age. I think it is good to tell the truth about how you are feeling on YOUR blog because it helps relieve stress. Bravo!

Danielle Smith said...

Wow, what this Meg chick is writing is really starting to entertain me! I love it when people judge without even knowing you. They sure come up with some crazy things!

Meg said...

woah, everyone defending little miss down in the dumps is lame. she is sad and just wants peple to feel bad for he and her life choices because she knows they are bad. next post will be all about food stamps and how many you get per diapered child in the household.

Danielle Smith said...

That was seriously fast. Someone is a true fan of the blog if they are commenting so much! Thank you for your input Meg! I think I am getting a record number of comments today!

Meg said...

Fan is completely wrong, just taking notes on how not to be. Be on the lookout for INS u know child services.

Ryan and Chrystal said...

Oh sweetie I think you are a brave little soldier. People who don't have kids don't understand the stress involved. Please give yourself permission to have a cluttered and un-kempt house and have a PJ day once in awhile. All that matters is that you LOVE your kids. God bless you for being there for them rather than pawning them off on day-care like most woman do. That being said, don't be afraid to whine or seek sympathy because you need a chance to let it out, and connect with others who can lift and support you, even if only by words. Do I think you're crazy for having 4 kids so close together? Maybe. But think of the blessings you will have when they get older. They will be a great support system for each other in a world that is falling apart. It may be hard now but someday you'll look back and be grateful you did it this way. You've got guts, and I admire your stamina. I would have cracked a LOOOOng time ago.

Meg said...

she has cracked, haven't you read her blog she is such a whino. why wont her husband leave her before she gets pregnant again? these are ?s i am now aksing myself. no onder mark works all of the time your house is hell!

Meg said...

I am so over your pathetic comments and blog, i cant read this shit anymore. they are egging you on and not for the greater good, you need a histerectomy in the worst way. pease out.

Danielle Smith said...

I think you mean CPS Meg. INS would be immigration. But thanks again for your comments.

Danielle Smith said...

Wow, someone got some anger inside. I know that someone out there loves this Meg girl. God bless.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are able to vent on your blog and am sorry your doctor doesn't seem to want to help you. This is truely a cry for help and I hope you will be able to get it, and I think the suggestion of getting a babysitter for a few hours is valid and seems desperately needed. Unfortunately having alot of children doesn't mean they will be there for you or each other later on. It is nice to think of it that way, but many times it doesn't turn out that way. But please get help and maybe someone in your church can volunteer. Aren't you supposed to be there for each other? maybe it only works when someone thinks they will benefit from it.

Maymo said...

Ummm.... no. That wasn't me that commented... Plus, I need your email so that I can invite you to see my blog since I went private.

Plus, I wouldn't be so mean. You know that.

Love,

The Real Meg

Danny & Josalyn said...

a blog is like a journal so you can write whatever the hell you want. hang in there and dont get too mad at people not being able to stick to their words they are probably just as busy as you with other things too, but im sure they do care. not saying im right but thats just my thoughts. when im stressed i read books about cognitive therapy but they may or may not help but its worth a try. good luck

The Halls said...

Who's Meg?

The Halls said...

You're welcome for the comment! Don't be jealous of the Coloradoness, you guys will make it back too! I thought we were chained to Seattle forever and could go most anywhere BUT Colorado. At least people are needed in the mortuary business everywhere. I'd totally watch your kiddos for you to have a break if you wanted, btw.

Anyway, I hope your Wednesday brings you renewed energy!

MJ said...

It's gotta be totally hard to be stuck so far from your family. I just have the one (sometimes 2--husbands count sometimes) and sometimes it's all I can take. Wouldn't trade it, trying to enjoy the moment, but sometimes ya just need a break already!

As for the LOVELY Meg, and anyone like her, I'd just ignore them. Delete their comments. If they really want to spread their negativity, they can use their own blogs, not your comments section. They'll get the message and move on.

So Meg, if that's your real name, bugger off. Get yourself some therapy to help rid yourself of your anger, and try to find your own happiness in life.

And Danielle, it's your blog, you can cry if you want to. Let it out, girl, cuz otherwise it just builds. And we won't know how you're feeling unless you tell us.

Love you! You're an amazing mom, and an even more awesome woman!

Leah and family said...

Er- yeah, can we say "nut-job"? Sounds like a real-life stalker. I tried to post a comment yesterday but it didn't work- probably because Meg was hijacking it. Anyway, Danielle- you're doing great! It's ok to feel sorry for ourselves. Just remember that everything changes all the time with kids. In a couple of months there will be a whole new set of challenges and you'll look back on this time and think it was cake. Maybe call some YW from your ward and get them to come over for cheap (maybe a beehive) and watch your kids while you take a nap or go shopping by yourself. Treat yourself to some alone time.

Matt & Crush said...

Hang in there gal. Hope you feel better and get a little you time soon. This has been the most entertaining blog ever.

Lis said...

You are an awesome Mom... and I love stalking your blog!! I love reading your stories about what's going on in your life... you post whatever you like, all us Mom's know what you are feeling!!! 4 under 4 is a lot of work - KUDOS to you WOMAN! You love your family, and that shows!!!

Hannah S said...

Wow! I am trying to read blog less...this was entertaining! I've totally been missing out!

Okay Danielle. You...need....a...Break! But you already knew that. So, get your VT'ers over there to help you out! That is their job! or pay a babysitter. Or have your hubby take a sick day!!!! You need to (you can drive now, wahoo!) go get a chocolate chip cookie dough frosty from Wendy's, shop at Kohl's and maybe go to the $ theater (I wish I could do this all w/you but honestly....I can't. and going down to utah valley is like a huge trip for us..but we may be living down there again this fall). Also, pray, pray, pray for more help.
Why did the bishop come over? Do you have a calling? I know it sounds like a stretch, but serving others seems to lighten my spirits...as hard as it can be to fit it in. Start a book club, mini-enrichment, or something that you can develop more of your many talents and get to know more sisters in the ward....and then do babysitting exchanged (even if it's w/the 3 older ones and you take Rozz along w/you).
I hope it gets better for you :) Does your car seat 8? I wish mine did, you could come to CO w/me next week, but it only seats 7...